Avoiding Power Struggles with Your Teenager
Author: Natalie LaFontaine
by Julia Neiman, Our Special Guest Expert in Parenting Teens & Teen Life Coach
Simply stated, a power struggle is when two people want the same power and neither one of them has a firm grip on it. Power struggles with teens are not uncommon as they are in that stage where they are trying to have more control over their life. They are learning to separate themselves from others as an independent person which often causes them to test their limits. It is your responsibility, as the adult, to diffuse the situation in a calm manner. The KEY to avoiding power struggles is to not become engaged in one in the first place. However, if you do find yourself in a power struggle here are some tips to successfully disengage:
• Immediately stop arguing and try to remain emotionally cool and calm.
This will end the power struggle because without anger, your teen will have no one to fight against.
• Let go of the idea that you can make teens do anything.
You can’t force cooperation. Instead, inspire, teach, influence, lead, guide, motivate, stimulate and encourage positive, cooperative behavior.
• When disengaging, you need to act, not speak.
For example, a temper tantrum becomes ineffective and silly if you withdraw to the other room without giving in to the temptation to slam any doors on your way out. If you are outdoors, just walk away a few yards.
• After you have both had a time out and a chance to cool off, you can talk about solving the issue that caused the power struggle in the first place.
Never underestimate the importance of saving face for kids of all ages. Always talk to teenagers with respect and offer them choices and/or good reasons for them to cooperate. Try to find ways for your teen to go along with what you want without leaving them feeling humiliated or too exposed. Offer them choices – if a teenager feels personal power through choices, then they don’t feel the need for power through conflict.
• Deflect arguments using two powerful words: “regardless” and “nevertheless.”
This approach is an easy way to assert yourself without getting into an argument. For example, your teen wants to stay out past her 11 p.m. curfew for a Saturday night party and you don’t want her to. After she presents her argument that all her friends will be at this party and they are all being allowed to stay late, reply with “regardless, you need to be home by 11 p.m.”
When she continues on with her argument, your next response should be, “nevertheless, you need to be home at your usual time.” Keep doing this until her arguments run out of steam. You will use this effectively if you don’t deviate too much from the one statement by adding unnecessary comments. Eventually she will realize that you aren’t arguing with her and there’s nothing to be won.
What is it like to try some of these suggestions? How did it go? What happened?
Have more questions? Want to make comments? Share experiences? Write to Julia Neiman at ParenTv Network.
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Published on
January 31st, 2012 -
Discussion
7 comments -
Categories: Guest Writer, Teen Talk
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7 Comments
Julia,
Again, awesome article and you are right on with everything you wrote. I couldn’t agree more.
In addition to what you wrote, in regards to power struggles, if parent’s don’t want to lose their power, they should learn how to give teens power rather than just give them a simple and direct answer. For instance, let’s say you are a lit candle, and I am an unlit candle. If I wanted more heat, would you light my candle with your flame? Can you? Of course you can. Did you lose your flame/fire/energy/heat/power by lighting me up? Absolutely not.
In my work, I’ve found that power struggles only occur because both the grown-up and the teenager have NO IDEA what it truly means. Each party thinks it’s a give and take relationship and that’s not the case.
Example: If an obnoxious teenage boy who is constantly seeking significance (i.e. power) is trying to take power from you, pick your battles and acknowledge his presence rather than making him look insignificant. By making the choice to give him some power, not only have you allowed him to experience his greatness, but he now will see you in a different and acknowledge you for meeting his needs. Power is ABUNDANT. It’s how we understand and use it that makes the ultimate different. Again, easier said than done, but with guided practice it can become permanant
-Yahya
I really love your first point about remaining emotionally cool and calm. I really need to share this with more people, I feel this is the answer for teens and adults a like.
Great Article.
Yahya,thank you for your comments. One of the reasons I advocate for “transformation” of parent/teen relationships is because I believe the “power” that parents and their children struggle to have over each other is not productive. When parents empower their children, they are not providing “power” per se, they are respecting them to show some independence and make some decisions, however, it’s a parent’s responsibility to protect their children, so they do have veto power.
Chirag, remaining calm is THE key. You should never allow your children to know they can push your buttons. Once they know that, you’ll be defending that button far into the future. Please do share, I’d appreciate that.
Julia, as a mom to an 11-year-old who thinks he is 17, this article was so helpful!! What I loved best was this: “You can’t force cooperation. Instead, inspire, teach, influence, lead, guide, motivate, stimulate and encourage positive, cooperative behavior.” This statement can apply to SO many areas of my life and I love how positive and compassionate it feels. I don’t want to force ANYTHING in my life, but especially anything to do with my relationship to my son. Many thanks!!!
Julia thanks again for your not-so-common sense approach to “coaching” our teens. Sharing with my teen parents!
Julia, great advice. love the regardless and nevertheless. will give it a go.
The options never seems to work with my daughter as it is always ‘her way or the highway’ Its a case of trying lots of tactics as each child differs! Thanks
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