What Teenagers and Two Year Olds Have In Common
by Julia Neiman, Special Guest Contributor for Parents with Teens
Do your teenagers remind you of two year olds? There’s a good reason for that – it’s all about autonomy and self-identity
When our children are two years old, they are learning to be less dependent on us. They are moving around in the world without needing our constant hand to steady their steps, they are exploring the world and testing their boundaries. And they have temper tantrums as a form of expression.
When they become teenagers, they are also learning to be less dependent on us, they are moving around in the world without needing our constant supervision, they are exploring the world aided by being able to drive, and they are testing their boundaries. And they have temper tantrums as a form of expression. The teenage years are complicated by peer pressures which may be in direct conflict with what you’ve taught them or advocate. Granted, their tantrums are a bit different when they are teenagers than when they are two, but the results are similar – they both make us crazy. How do parents cope?
What’s a parent to do? What new parenting strategies can you develop to cope with the teenage years in a positive and productive way? Adapt your parenting style and become more like a coach to your teens. Think about how you want to be treated on your job, by your spouse or partner, by your own parents or siblings. Don’t you want their respect, to be heard by them and to be understood? What about knowing you are appreciated and supported? That’s what your teenagers want from you. Respecting them and not only listening, but actually hearing what they have to say builds self esteem and paves the way for honest communication.
So, how do you become a parent coach?
The first step is to not take their behavior personally. That’s a huge mistake that some parents make. I suggest that you do not become offended, insulted, angry or defensive by your teen’s behavior. Behavior is simply a form of communication. You need to figure out what they are trying to tell you. When you build respect with them they will not feel the need to act out in negative ways.
When your teens are talking to you, make sure you listen for their point of view, for the core or underlying issue of what they are trying to communicate. Practice active listening by reflecting or paraphrasing what you heard. That’s where you repeat back to them what you heard and/or what you understood them to say. For example, your daughter tells you that you are too strict with her and that her friends have more freedom. You could ask, “Do you think I don’t trust you and that’s why I’m too strict?” Or “I hear you saying that you feel bad because you don’t have as much freedom as your friends.”
What this does is open up the space for deeper, more honest communication. And if you have a dissenting opinion or position, make an effort to communicate to them without judgment of their feelings or actions.
Another good coaching technique is to tell your teens the things you admire and appreciate about them. Acknowledge them when they do a good job with something such as their homework or bring home a good grade. Thank them for doing little things like taking out the trash or getting along with their younger sibling. Compliment them for being self-reliant, kind, tenancious and responsible, caring or any other great quality they have.
Finally, promote responsibility. When you do things for your children that they can do for themselves, you are denying them an opportunity to be independent and self-reliant. They may complain about some of the things you are asking them to be responsible for, like doing their own laundry, or cleaning the kitchen after dinner. Your job is to communicate that these are tasks that independent people have to know how to do to take care of themselves and you are providing the opportunity for them to learn how to do these things properly. Believe it or not, they will come to appreciate why they are being asked to do these things.
When you change your approach as a parent and learn to show your teens you respect them, listen to what they are really saying, offer understanding, support, a positive perspective and guidance for moving forward in the lives, you will have a transformed relationship with your teens and they will no longer appear to be acting like two year olds.
Your comments and stories help talk and understand the changes of during the teenage years. Feel free to write to ParenTv Network, share your comments, questions and stories. You can contact Julia Neiman and ParenTv Network at www.ptvn.org
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Published on
January 24th, 2012 -
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Filed Under: Parent Network, Parenting
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9 Comments
I understand what you are saying in the article, to disengage from your own opinion and through active listening get into a deeper conversation and still be able to express your reasoning as well. My question is, I guess, do you have some tips on how to keep that objective viewpoint when having one those more challenging conversations. Sometimes we think we speak from wisdom when we are really reliving a painful moment from our past.
Very nice article. You have covered some of the basic things that parents need to have in their tool box of techniques to effectively communicate with their teens.
Great article!
Here are 3 out of the 7 simple strategies I teach of the Ultimate Connection Process with Teens. The goal is to reach connection. When you compassionately communicate with your teens, you then connect with them. Once you connect with them, you can earn their commitment.
1) Begin with your belief: What is your intention? Ask yourself, “Am I trying to make them do something I want them to do or am I trying to help be their best? EXAMPLE: Before engaging in a serious conversation with your teen, stop for a moment and ask yourself the previous questions. See if the answers to those questions move in the direction of manipulation or inspiration. Inspiration is what you are looking for. All great role models inspire. Believe in your ability to inspire.
2) Break the barrier: Vulnerability is key here. EXAMPLE: If you notice that your teen isn’t interested in talking to you, rather than taking it personally, show/tell them something that immediately catches them off guard. You want to make sure they drop their guards. For instance, I beat box (making “cool” sounds with my mouth that sounds like music). They think that’s different and cool. You don’t have to beat box, but you do have to do something that’s unexpected. Think outside the box here.
3) Bridge the gap: Get over yourself. EXAMPLE: Let’s say that your son, daughter or student is involved in drugs, alcohol, bullying, sex or some other dangerous behavior. The normal response is to freak out and tell them that what they’re doing is wrong and unacceptable. Although this is true, you need to understand why they are choosing to use those methods to meet their needs. Once you figure out the why, then you can address the what, when, where, who and how. Getting to the root of the problem is way more effective than scaring them for the temporary moment.
Good luck!
-Yahya
Julia…thanks for your wisdom. I love the work you do and the truth is we all need a coach….thanks for being a coach to many parents. And, the kids will thank you too! No one ever taught us how to be the best parents we can be and there is always room for us all to grow! THANK YOU!
Interesting article with some very good pointers. Some of the tips I know and understand but in practice of course its much more difficult to remember! The tantrums I recognize! My first instinct is to laugh at this seemingly grown up person acting and sounding so childlike! LOL Obviously I try not to do that!!! I will try some of the ideas here. Thanks!
Another thing we as parents can do is to show our teens how much they are loved — no matter what. Begin to teach them at an early age that when they make a mistake, tell a lie–especially if caught in it, or other infraction what the consequences are. But also teach them that you love them no matter what and they can come to you at any time for any thing — this should be at the forefront of every situation. What else I told my own children is to be aware I may not be happy with the circumstance and to let me get my frustration out first, yet that does not mean I don’t love you or won’t support you. It’s worked when needed and am truly thankful and blessed our kids have that type of relationship with us as their parents. Great insightful article.. got me thinking of what I did as a young parent.
Love the article Julia! While my teen is all grown up now (for real rather than in their own mind) I have opportunities to know and work with many teens and their parents. I see the difficulties they encounter and many times the conflicts that result. Unfortunately teens don’t come with manuals and just as many of the worlds most high profile successful adults realize the benefits of having a coach, becoming one for our teens is something we all can do, providing a equally if not more important value and outcome for them and in turn our society. Thank you for the encouraging and informative article!
Great article, Julia. It’s so important to empower the next generation – they’ll be the wiser for it and perhaps can skip the pitfall Nick Grimshawe mentions when wisdom comes from past pain that is still active.
Thank you, Pam
Really enjoyed this article Julia – such good advice, especially the point about paraphrasing what your teen has said to you – so easy to miss verbal cues. I especially liked your advice to tell your teen what you love about them – their finer points. I actually think that’s a good practice to have with all the people in our lives. People are too quick to be critical, of themselves and others, and kind words are such a balm. Thanks! Love & Light, Alexandria
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